I promise, this will be the first and only column I write that makes fun of how people behave in Washington, D.C.

Well, maybe I’ll write another one someday if I see something that is so silly it’s worth sharing with readers. OK, I guess then it’s pretty likely there will be another, but I absolutely, positively promise this will be the last one that laughs at people and their addiction to so-called smartphones.

I don’t know why we call them smartphones when they make people act so dumb.

I arrived in Washington, D.C., last week to start my new job as a staffer for Alaska’s member...